It well may be that we will never meet again
in this lifetime so let me say before we part
So much of me is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart.

Hi all. Is anyone still out there?

I am alive and moved into my new home. I’m fighting with my former landlord, who had people randomly show up and mow the lawn without asking if I wanted them to, and then told me I owe him $90.

Also, I am fighting with DFS. Meredith and Elle are going to have to be moved, as much as it really hurts me. Meredith has been engaging in behavior that is not safe for Bubba. And although I’ve expressed my overwhelming concern, they are being slow. But I called and raised hell and I think that they are setting up something today. Which means that I am losing my sweet baby Elle, but there is nothing else I can do.

My new house is gorgeous and perfect and I am sooooo happy to have it! My internet won’t be hooked up until Monday so I am using my dads computer. I’ll write again as soon as I can.

Must keep packing. I must.

Because I was so sick last week, nothing got done, including mailing your packages. So I humbly apologize. I am mailing them out in about an hour, when I drive back into town.

And just because I have to talk:

(SPOILER..SPOILER..SPOILER)

Ok. So Autumn says that Cassie S. is a really cool girl and all, but seriously. If someone told me I would be a good understudy or swing, I would be thrilled. You don’t argue that point. You should be glad that someone thinks you are a good enough to be on Broadway in the first place. And look at all the understudies who go on to cover the role. Where do you think most of the performers come from? Most Broadway performers don’t get cast out of nowhere from reality shows. They work their way up. Sheesh.

I’ve heard that Celina is really talented. She’s been in a lot of shows. She’s not right for this one though.

I think Rhiannon and Natalie are really cute. I’m not sure either of them has the ability to carry the show, but I like them. Autumn is talented and has cute hair. She has been on a National Tour so she does have some experience. I’m not sure what was up with her last night.

I think Emma is a little too sure of herself. I’m sure I would think I was tough shit if my Dad had won a bunch of Tonys, but still. She needs to lose the attitude a little bit. And I’m sick of hearing about her quitting smoking. Why did she start in the first place? She’s been on Broadway before, so she should know better. Protect that voice. And I don’t like in the intro to the show where she is all bouncing around during the group shot. Nor do I like her dress. (Not that it really matters in the grand scheme of things)

I am afraid Bailey is going to win. But I don’t like her. And something about Lauren bugs me too. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m not a big fan.

I’m really afraid they are going to cast someone who I don’t like and then I will be sad.

Ok, back to packing. Really.

I am a homeowner!!!!!!

I am pretty sure I am not dying.
I love tamiflu.
I think it is funny that there is a baseball player named Evan Longoria.
Does anyone use Schwanns?
My left temple still hurts real bad.
I hope it isn’t an aneurysm.
The wonderpets hurt my left temple.

Think I have flu. Fever, chills, horrible body aches.
Horrible pain over left temple.
And heart skipping beats.
Am I dying?
Close on house tomorrow.
Can’t move off couch.

I do. Because if I was, I would totally check myself into the hospital with exhaustion.

Because I think I am. Exhausted that is.

Two of my kids have been running a fever in the 102 range. Now I am feverish. My glands are huge. I have had horrible sinus headaches.

Did I tell you that I started ritalin? Well, I did, and so far, so good, but it dehydrates me and I tend to drink zero glasses of water per day. I mean, that is not an exaggeration. Zero. So I’ve been trying to drink as much as I can and it seemed to be working but now I’ve been taking some sinus medicine and it helped my sinus problems but I think it has worked with the ritalin to make the sahara because now I am so thirsty and my lips are chapped and I am so weak that I am just slumped over in my computer chair right now and the thought of going upstairs makes me want to die. And I’m having a lot of pain in my hips. I’m not sure why though, but why not.

And on top of the fact that my body is shutting down, I am still waiting for rural development to approve my loan and I am supposed to close on Friday and I have been so stressed about money and moving..god..the moving. I can’t even think about it. And every five minutes someone calls to set up an appointment and one of my SWers quit or was fired or something and so now we are getting a new one that just graduated from college and has never worked at all and I really want to quit doing foster care and Geo has to talk me off the ledge, seriously, about once a day.

I probably should go over to urgent care and get hooked up to a big IV but I don’t like needles and besides I don’t think I should drive. Which is a problem because I still have to pick up Meredith and Bug and Bug is supposed to go to cheerleading and I wish my dad would answer his stupid IM so I can get him to come rescue me. And I know, I’m the captain of this plane or ship or whatever and I have to be strong, but who is going to cook dinner? And pack up the mountains of shit? And drive Bug to cheerleading? I don’t know.

Anyone want to come over?

I feel awful. Seriously. If you can really have exhaustion, this must be what it feels like. And by the way, I would like to say a big F you to my lender who said, Oh, I know we said 3500 in her account but actually we need 3578. Which wasn’t nice considering every penny I have is sitting in my checking account not being able to be used AND I had to sell my Cubs tickets in order to have enough money to close on the house. Which was sad considering it would have been the first time I could have taken the kids to Wrigley.

Also, I am with you Jess. How can you audition for Legally Blonde and not know the lyrics? Snowbaby knows most of the lyrics. HELLLO. I totally should have gone to that audition, especially since I would have been semi-famous and I could have totally been hospitalized today.

Oh God. I am soooo sick.

Me: Whatever. I could totally do that. Matter of fact, I can sing this song, while doing the choreography with a 24 pound baby, while sweeping the floor AND taking care of five other kids.

Geo: They should make a reality show about that.

I really wish that I wasn’t so much of a goody-two-shoes in high school. I seriously was. I had a part time job, I volunteered, had good grades, got into good colleges. I did have sex early, at fourteen, but it was only ONE TIME and MY PARENTS FOUND OUT.

So embarassing.

I did what I was told, my parents were strict, but trusted me, and I didn’t want to break their trust. I didn’t smoke, I didn’t drink. In fact, I had my first drink of alcohol when I was in college.

I wish I had been a little more rebellious because dealing with teenagers now is exhausting me. And dealing with teenagers with mental illness is even more exhausting. Because not only do I have to figure out how the rules should apply, but I have to be careful with my execution as not to start a dramatic flow of events ending up in hospital stays.

And of course, I’m doing all this under the eye of DFS, who has been bugging me lately. I am so ready to be done with them.

I just feel too young to be dealing with the “You don’t understand!” and the “You guys are trying to make me miserable” and “I hate being at home with you people.”

One day, good people, one day I will feel free to tell more of my part of this story.

But for now, I will say that the focus of the case of Snowbaby and Bubba (and Butterfly) has shifted from reunification to termination. I expect legal filings to occur in the next month or two depending on docket space.

It seems that for most people, their first instinct is to say, “GOOD! That is wonderful news. Those kids need to be with you. You are their mom. They will have a much better life with you.”

I will be honest and say that I want to raise those children so bad. I want to be their mom forever and ever because I love them so very much. But they have another mom too, one I am sure loves them, even if she has not done anything to get them back. I won’t try to guess the reasons why she hasn’t. Maybe she is ill-prepared to be a parent, maybe she is selfish, maybe she feels overwhelmed, maybe she doesn’t care, maybe she has a mental illness that prevents her from doing what she needs to. I don’t know.

All I know is that I will probably be able to provide for them a lot more than she would have been able to. I have more money, a bigger house, a working car, a college education. I’m focused on being a mom, and I make sacrifices in order to give them the best lives possible.

But children shouldn’t be given to the best person. I know there are people who read this blog who have more money than me, a bigger house, three working cars, and a post-graduate degree. They can hire tutors and provide tickets to every Broadway show and fly the kids to London to see the West-End shows.

Hell, if we shipped Snowbaby and Bubba off to Angelina Jolie, they would probably be better off than with me. That is not what this is about.

The simple facts are this:

Mommy Sarah made some very big mistakes. She was given a tremendous amount of services. She was given clear cut instructions as to how to get her children back.

For whatever reason, Mommy Sarah did not what she was supposed to do.

And her time has about run out.

Bubba and Snowbaby need a Mommy, because Mommy Sarah is not able to care for them.

It is tempting for me to get up on my high horse and say, “Well, the best thing happened. I am clearly a better Mom than she is. And she obviously doesn’t give a shit about her kids.”

But just as I am sure there are plenty of people who judge me from this blog without knowing me, I am not going to judge her, even though I’ve gotten to know her over the past year and a half. No matter what happens, she gave birth to two of the most perfect children in the world. Her blood runs through their veins and they will always know her, and they will always feel the loss of her presence, even though they will be covered in my love.

And so, while it is ok to be thrilled that my babies will most likely be staying with me, please don’t make it a contest between me and Mommy Sarah. I am the lucky one in this situation. If everything goes the way I think it is, I will be gaining two beautiful children, while all the other parties in the situation will be experiencing a loss. And it is important to me to be ever mindful of that loss, even in my joy.